My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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