just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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