why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
