My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
