I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
