Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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