Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
