how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Randomize
