I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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