Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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