I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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