oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
then he tried to convert me to islam
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
