So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
