Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
