Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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