shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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