I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
