Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize