from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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