oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
