youre lurking in front of me
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Randomize