Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
