Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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