My underwear smells like fireworks.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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