you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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