I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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