If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
