Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
