the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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