you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
