Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Terrible idea I love it
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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