Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Drunk is not a location!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
