based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
