i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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