I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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