so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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