my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
