think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
