Soap is not a condiment
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
last night I used snow as a chaser
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
