just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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