so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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