i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
