So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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