I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize