my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
