dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
