If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
