dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
