oh god the rape fog is back!
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
