I puked a lego.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
