Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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