I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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