I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
