Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
