Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize