I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
