no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
