Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
