Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
