she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
