Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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