The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
