Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
